The perfect motorcycle

In my job, I have repeated a statement that I suppose I am infamous for. I know that is a bold claim. Hard to imagine that I could be either infamous or for that matter famous for anything. Although I will regularly say things with extreme authority and conviction.  I do claim to be the fastest old guy alive (not true), biggest Pearl Jam fan (not true), best looking old guy (actually true), a really good Cross Country Skier (not true), pretty stylish on a MTB (definitely not true) , and the smartest person you have ever met (may not be true as you may not have met me) etc…  Regardless of all of those bold claims or missed opportunities many people do not even know yet that they have missed, I am actually infamous for the statement “The perfect bike cannot be built”.

That statement is probably self serving as my job is product development. It allows me to say to someone when they are telling me they really like their current thing “don’t worry, you will like the new thing even better”. If nothing else it keeps me employed, as it appears I have some magic elixir allowing me and the people who work for me to always come up with something better. Hopefully. (Actually, it’s not an elixir, it is time travel. keep that is the secret).

Anyway, at this point you are wondering what possessed you in the first place to follow the link and read this drivel. Trust me, I intend to reign in my schizophrenia and bring it around. (By the way, as I write this on my phone, which is about the dumbest thing I ever do, I am listening to Buddy Guy on repeat. Just felt you should know that.)

Ok, here it is. My motorbike is almost perfect. Yep. I said it. Almost. What is wrong with it, you are asking – it is Orange, it’s 250cc, it has a bitchin Fox rear shock, sweet Kenda tires, Rekluse clutch, Galfer brakes… Duh. Did I mention it is Orange?

So, Joe. What IS the perfect motorcycle then?  Well, I am glad you asked. Without further adieu, I will try describe the perfect motorcycle.

1.  It would weigh approx 200lbs.

2.  It would have the broad power curve of a 4stroke.

3.  It would have the power of the 350F, but be mellow and easy to ride like the 250F.

4.  It would be Orange.

5.  It would be coated with some sort of magic that keeps mud from sticking.

6.  The graphics would not be stickers, but would be built in so that they never got damaged and needed to be replaced.

7.  It would come with woods equip already installed. Steering damper, real hand guards, griper bump seat, auto clutch, flat spot on front fender for enduro card etc…

8. Button start mandatory.

9. It would come with both a headlight and taillight (that could be removed) and a front number plate.

10.  It would have a harescrambles power mode and an enduro softer power mode, both accessible with a remote switch.

11. It would come with a spark arrester that could be removed.

12. In spite of the desire for a 250F power curve, I want it to be an fuel injected 2 stroke for easy maintenance.

13. I want it to handle like a four stroke on the Moto track, but be light like a two stroke in the woods.

If you don’t want all that, it just means once again that you have not met me. Either way, I think I have just proven to you that the perfect motorbike cannot be built, or at least I do own a time machine. Bring on the flu powder.

Since a motorcycle achieving all the points on that list doesn’t yet exist, I suppose I will just stick with my 250XCF.

Out,

Joe